I woke up this morning and realized it was my birthday... The day that celebrates 20 years of my existence on this ever-changing planet.
It's funny to think that years ago I could barely sleep the night before my birthday, and I would spend hours perfecting my "wish list" to ensure I had the best gifts at the very top. "A puppy" will forever and always be at the top of that list. However, as the years have gone on this birthday routine has dwindled and a new routine has somehow surfaced this year.
Gone are the days of sending out invites to my parties and tearing open presents. This is not to say that my birthday has become a depressing ordeal, but rather it is simply different. Last night I stayed up streaming one of last year's top hit movies "Meleficient" (A Disney movie on the dawn of my 20th birthday seemed fitting). As the credits rolled I slipped into one of my "where's the off button" states, as I like to call it. A state in which I literally cannot shut off my brain. Thoughts endlessly flow through my mind no matter how hard I try to find an off button (I am determined to find one before I die) - this is the routine that has slowly developed over the years. This year, on the night before my birthday I stayed up and thought. About what, you ask? Well, everything. Last night's state consisted of the following: What I'm going to do tomorrow, how I miss my family and how strange it is that I won't be with them as I enter my twenties, my ex boyfriend, my travel plans, what's going to change/not change by the end of this semester, classes and the 30 pages I have to read of a terrible play, that my toes desperately need to be painted (which I fortunately did this morning), that I still don't know what my concentration is at school and how much that freaks me out. The list goes on and on.
Another year, another birthday has somehow turned into this excuse to ponder every single thing in my life, mostly what's gone on in the past year up until the present. No offense but it makes me feel like a 50 year old who's experiencing her mid-life crisis. As I write this I ask myself, 'Is this normal?' Do all 20-year-olds have this experience? Almost like, 'Holy crap I'm in my twenties and I feel like I've achieved nothing...'
But like I said, this isn't a depressing feeling. Yes, it's a little scary to think that I'm in my twenties but it's also kind of exciting. Here I am in Italy, with countless opportunities right in front of my face and all I have to do is reach out and grab them. Sure, it may take some planning depending on what that opportunity may be but really there's not much standing in my way. Another year means a few more active and more intelligent brain cells, more self control and the ability to make the right decision for me, not necessarily everybody else's right decision. It may not be healthy to stay up all night thinking about countless different things in my life, but at least I'm thinking. Thinking about what's happened and what hasn't, about what's changed and about things I want to do. I want to visit the meditation room at school, I want to write for the SUF magazine, I want to visit as many places as I can while I am here. Yet another list that goes on and on. I want to take advantage of what this past year has given me and grab a hold of those opportunities in front of me, because my biggest fear at this current point in time is to finish this semester and have a regret.
So, Birthday, you may have deprived me of a few extra hours of sleep last night, but you've also graced me with new tools to take advantage of those opportunities, and to make my right decisions. And for that I thank you.
All in all, being 20 is weird and scary and creepy, but at the same time it's AWESOME. So here I go, my 20 year old self, to grab some of the opportunities on my list.
Food for thought: Don't wait for your next birthday. Go grab an opportunity, because I guarantee there's a few staring you in the face right now too.
It's funny to think that years ago I could barely sleep the night before my birthday, and I would spend hours perfecting my "wish list" to ensure I had the best gifts at the very top. "A puppy" will forever and always be at the top of that list. However, as the years have gone on this birthday routine has dwindled and a new routine has somehow surfaced this year.
Gone are the days of sending out invites to my parties and tearing open presents. This is not to say that my birthday has become a depressing ordeal, but rather it is simply different. Last night I stayed up streaming one of last year's top hit movies "Meleficient" (A Disney movie on the dawn of my 20th birthday seemed fitting). As the credits rolled I slipped into one of my "where's the off button" states, as I like to call it. A state in which I literally cannot shut off my brain. Thoughts endlessly flow through my mind no matter how hard I try to find an off button (I am determined to find one before I die) - this is the routine that has slowly developed over the years. This year, on the night before my birthday I stayed up and thought. About what, you ask? Well, everything. Last night's state consisted of the following: What I'm going to do tomorrow, how I miss my family and how strange it is that I won't be with them as I enter my twenties, my ex boyfriend, my travel plans, what's going to change/not change by the end of this semester, classes and the 30 pages I have to read of a terrible play, that my toes desperately need to be painted (which I fortunately did this morning), that I still don't know what my concentration is at school and how much that freaks me out. The list goes on and on.
Another year, another birthday has somehow turned into this excuse to ponder every single thing in my life, mostly what's gone on in the past year up until the present. No offense but it makes me feel like a 50 year old who's experiencing her mid-life crisis. As I write this I ask myself, 'Is this normal?' Do all 20-year-olds have this experience? Almost like, 'Holy crap I'm in my twenties and I feel like I've achieved nothing...'
But like I said, this isn't a depressing feeling. Yes, it's a little scary to think that I'm in my twenties but it's also kind of exciting. Here I am in Italy, with countless opportunities right in front of my face and all I have to do is reach out and grab them. Sure, it may take some planning depending on what that opportunity may be but really there's not much standing in my way. Another year means a few more active and more intelligent brain cells, more self control and the ability to make the right decision for me, not necessarily everybody else's right decision. It may not be healthy to stay up all night thinking about countless different things in my life, but at least I'm thinking. Thinking about what's happened and what hasn't, about what's changed and about things I want to do. I want to visit the meditation room at school, I want to write for the SUF magazine, I want to visit as many places as I can while I am here. Yet another list that goes on and on. I want to take advantage of what this past year has given me and grab a hold of those opportunities in front of me, because my biggest fear at this current point in time is to finish this semester and have a regret.
So, Birthday, you may have deprived me of a few extra hours of sleep last night, but you've also graced me with new tools to take advantage of those opportunities, and to make my right decisions. And for that I thank you.
All in all, being 20 is weird and scary and creepy, but at the same time it's AWESOME. So here I go, my 20 year old self, to grab some of the opportunities on my list.
Food for thought: Don't wait for your next birthday. Go grab an opportunity, because I guarantee there's a few staring you in the face right now too.